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I Pledge Allegiance to Crappy Planes

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I enjoy flying about as much as I love roller coasters, sitting in the back seat of a car, laying too far back in a chair, or anything else that incites my hyper sensitive motion sickness. Dramamine helps, but the regular kind knocks me out for a day and the non-drowsy makes me feel like I’m on really cheap, bad drugs, so I only use it for long flights.

My parents moved to Ashland, Oregon a couple years ago- against my wishes, pleas and warnings- so in order to visit them from L.A., my spouse and I are forced to fly. Ace is a total trooper (who also loves roller coasters and laying too far back in chairs), but I have a rough time. We take Allegiant, because it’s freaking cheap. Medford, Oregon is a terrible place to fly into, with an airport of only a couple gates, and all- meaning both- other airline choices are outrageous, generally have connecting flights, and only stop in Medford at hours like six a.m. or midnight.

The problem with Allegiant is how crusty the planes are. I’m a self-confessed snooty girl who’s morally opposed to anything remotely yucky, so I am always grossed out by the planes, which are from the 1990s at the latest, threadbare, and seldom cleaned. Currently I’m fixated on the shiny, greasy remnants of lord-knows-what smeared across my tray table area, and the squished crunchy somethings all over the floor. No frills is one thing, but it’s like Allegiant is anti-frills. And while the flights are very cheap, one can’t help but be a little agitated by the fact that you either have to pay an extra $12 for an actual seat or wait till all the bougies who bought seats (of which I am one) have boarded before you can get on.

If you take Allegiant- and I begrudgingly recommend you do, at least if you’re going to somewhere with very few flights choices- remember to stock up at home or at the airport on snacks and water, because these cheapskates don’t give you anything for free… drinks and snacks are all “for purchase only.” Although, we did just score a napkin out of a flight attendant, and for Allegiant, that’s pretty amazing.

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